Coolio, are you?

You’re cool. What does this phrase really mean to me? Mean to us? Personally, I think being ‘cool’ is something extraordinary. Extraordinary in my eye, of course! Maybe helping someone in a good way or figuring out something in a not so easy way. Yep, they’re cool. I just don’t understand why other people think they are one when they actually hurt or step on other’s foot. Let me share you a story. I’m not sure if it’s lame but that event was the one that provoked me to think about this.

The other day, we (me and the fam without dad) went to the Plaza to grocery shop and buy some awesome stuff. My sister bought the Harry Potter collection and I bought some chocolate. Yaay! After buying those, my sister bought the ingredients she needs for her Home Economics practical assessment. I decided to stay outside the grocery shop because I was asked to look after the other things we bought. I sat there alone. Bored. So I stood up! Oh, an ice cream shop 7 steps from where I was sitting. I bought cookies and cream, a happy kid indeed! When I came back to where I was sitting, a family (mother, daughter, son [I’m assuming they are siblings]) came to have a seat. The girl was about 7 years old and the boy was probably 10. He looked condescending so it made me think that he’s the elder one. Before leaving to go inside the grocery shop, the mother told the two to not shout and don’t ever fight. She left. Both of them were holding a plastic bag. The boy took out a pair of ballet flats; the girl reacted and shouted, “Hey! They’re mine! The boy didn’t do anything. Actually he did! He moved closer to where his sister was sitting. I think it was on her arm? He hit her. And using those pair of ballet flats, he hit her in the head. The girl just kept on shouting on him. He said, “Give me my shirt!” (since the girl was holding a plastic bag with his shirt) She gave it in exchange for her shoes. He held the shirt in his hands but didn’t give the shoes. He went back to his seat holding the flats. She kept on screaming. The boy dropped the shoes on the floor and told his sister. “Look! I don’t have it!” Scream. Scream. Scream from her. He picked up the shoes and using that, he just continually hit her. After every hit, I can sense, he’s trying to look at me so proud as if saying, “Hey, look at me. I’m suuuuuuuuh cool hitting her.” Everytime he tries to appear in my eyes, I deflect my view. NO. YOU ARE NOT COOL. What makes you think that you are some BADASS being so awesome violating your sister’s right to just be silent on the side? Seeing that, I started to question the mother – how did you raise these children? I probably asked the wrong question. How did the society, the people around them define what’s to be proud or not? Disrespectful much? PLEASE. NO.

I’m lucky (like what I always say). Even though I have a brother who’s nearly like that, he’s still a good man. Even though I have this huge gap between me and my parents, I know that I was raised really well and taught how to act privately and publicly. I know I’m that “Hey, I’m cool” person but not in a way that that boy has shown. And even though I know that I am a little bit annoying (I feel it myself!) I know, somehow, I’m cool in my own way.

I love my cool friends – they always there for me, I know that even I annoy them, I still find myself being in that position where I am advised by them and majority of them are God-fearing people. I love my cool sister. She does the same – being with me through ups and downs, taking a photo with our seedy/wacky/whatever face and letting me know that I’m loved.

Before Anything Else

Feeling ko talaga hindi ako makakapag-aral ng mabuti hangga't hindi ko nailalabas 'to eh.

Naiinis ako sobra at dahil sa sobrang inis ko, naiiyak na lang ako. Bakit kaya 'pag ako, iba 'yung trato? 'Pag sa iba, mabuti namang tao. Ganito ba talaga ako? Anong meron? Pinipilit ko naman lahat para maging mabuting anak eh, bakit ba lagi akong nagaganito? Ako 'yung laging mali, ako tanga, ako suwail, ako gago, ako na lahat. Ni wala ngang nakitang maganda sa'kin kahit okay naman ako sa Acads, marami naman akong naachieve kahit sila 'yung laging dahilan kung bakit hindi 'yun natutuloy. Ano kayang mangyayari sa buhay ko na? Minsan parang gusto ko na lang na mawala dito sa mundo pero masama 'yun, alam ko. Sana lang maisip nila 'yung halaga ko, na kahit ganito naman nakakaramdam din ako. Paulit ulit ko namang sinasabi na masakit sa'kin kapag lagi niyang pinapamukha sa'kin na wala siyang pakialam sa'kin ah. Sobrang sakit. At sa tuwing laging may sinasabi sa'kin na hindi maganda na kahit pa sabihin mong pabiro lang, ang sakit sakit. Bakit hindi niya maisip 'yun? :(

I don't wanna lose it

I hate how much I respect people who can't just let me go and respect me back.
I was pretty pissed right now and I couldn't be any relieved so I had to blog about this.

The event that made pissed me off is too shallow. No, the other person involved who I respect the most is too shallow that I can't take how much miserable I am feeling right now. I wonder how she feels when she speaks very dismissive about me. And with that, I'm telling that this hasn't happened just now, it happened so many times before.

And the fact that that person is part of my family? It just breaks me.

Biglaan talaga 'to

Naiiyak ako, sobra. P!@#$%^&*(. Ang hirap ng taong may laging nanghuhusga sa'yo, nang kahit may konting bagay na gawin ka lang mayroon at mayroon silang masasabi. Malala pa, hindi mo kilala. Pero medyo malayo na 'yung hindi kilala, sabihin na lang natin na kilala nga ako ng konti. Pero isa pa sa mga totoong malala, ang dali kong maguilty sa mga bagay na 'di sigurado. Bwisit lang, 'diba? Ang dami kong problema sa sarili ko.

Kung pwede lang sana na i-unfollow ako, i-unfriend o i-block nila ako, mas magiging okay sa'kin 'yun eh. Eh hindi eh, sa kahit anong paraan, walang mangyayari, andun at andun 'yung makikita nila 'yung post ko at makikita ko 'yung kanila/kanya. 'Wag ka na lang magsalita. Ayun na lang siguro o kaya naman 'wag mo na sabihin online at 'yung tipong mababasa ko pa.

Basta ako, sana 'wag kong mapansin ulit 'yung mga ganitong bagay.

Respect?

Sometimes, you just feel like you want to burst into tears, shout and just cry all loud.

Maybe, that time is now. Maybe, that time happens to be everyday.

I’m the eldest child in the family and I assume it is not strange if sometimes (actually all the time), I control my temper. But then, there are times when you feel that you can’t anymore handle it and just break out.

It’s hard to express but I don’t want to go thoroughly to the main occurrence.

The thing of respect is something exchangeable. At everytime in my life, I imply respect. To those who don’t see that, I’d presume I don’t mean anything to them. But very hopeful most of the time, I try to be optimistic and think that things are happening for a reason and it’s just a matter of time! Sooner or later, I’ll tell myself that respect has been given back to me. But after such long wait, it isn’t yet, or shall I proclaim, it wasn’t, it won’t. After all, the give and take process isn’t followed.

I’m just a daughter; to give respect and earn one is essential. I tried to be very supplementary and be a good one most of the time. Sometimes, I commit mistake and I suppose it is inevitable! But then again, why in everything must I commit every mistake? I’m not fully strong, I admit. And my emotional weakness just quenches me. Why am I not appreciated? Why am I the only mistake? Why shouldn’t I be remembered? Things that I always ask and still haven’t got any clue why I am still asking. As a resolution to this agony, I keep myself detached and enjoy my wonderland, my room. But then, emotional aberration isn’t curable as other physical infirmity. Maybe, I was slapped many times but the words that were implanted are much painful.