BIPOLAR IN A DAY

I just thought before starting my long night, I'm gonna tell you something about today. (This story actually occurs quite a lot of times so.. hehe.)

Has anyone felt like their mood in the morning completely changes during the latter of the day? That was what I'm on. It was probably because I didn't get enough sleep or maybe my randomness occurred.

I hope everyone is having a good start! Let's make this week awesome.

Defining size? Size is a definition?

I was checking out Huffington Post (one of my favourite site) to read some stuff. I came across this articles that talks about one's physical size. Read, thought, reflected.

I am 5" in height and about 42 kilograms heavy. I always say that I'm fat.. stuff like that! When I turned 16, my weight became a big deal to me. Why? Let's just say that I had my internal insecurities and I became scared of the judging society. 

Now that I am 18, I probably had one of the most tremendous realisations in life - I should not care of how small I am, I should have too much of insecurity.

Physically, I look so thin but whenever I face the mirror, what I always see is my swollen stomach. That mentality was wrong. I was so depressed because I was close to being 'stout.' I mean, who attracts stout? Who likes stout people? I WAS WRONG. I admit and I apologise to those who I have offended with my old thinking.I should care about what's going inside that tummy instead of what people might think of it. If that didn't make sense, what I'm trying to say was health over the tangible bit of the body is more important.

I used to feel a little awkward whenever being with my high school batch mates because I am usually the smallest. Sometimes, I feel ashamed of attending events because I won't get recognised because I am so short.

One time, I went to a fast food place to buy something to eat. Someone was in front of me, I was waiting at the back and then at the back of me was a pretty big man. It was my turn, I wonder why the cashier didn't serve me but served the man behind me. Then I realised, he didn't see me. I felt like walking away out of anger that time but I did not because I needed food! After serving the man behind me, only then he saw me. He apologised but I still feel a little annoyed. I was quite disappointed by the cashier but on top of that, I was much disappointed with what I look like.

After too much insecurity, reflection and self-exploration, then I realised: yes, I should care of what others think of me but I have to be myself in every possible way that I can. I am small, okay?

But hey, I've got brains and above everything, awesome mind and positive attitude are the most important.

People may have a small amount of right to judge but no one could ever define us by just looking at us.

Bullying can never and will never put us down because we are happy. YES, WE ARE HAPPY.

Pre-winter

I couldn't believe it's winter already! It still feels a little warm inside our house but I'm quite liking it. The weather today is more like I-want-to-stay-in-bed or 'books + (maybe) tea' type of weather.

So, what is on? What is up?

Have I mentioned before that I've started college to learn Design? If not, then this is the time for it!

Yes, I'm doing something related with Design. I wasn't too interested with it before because I'm more of an Arts and Science person but as I get into it, I felt like it is interesting.

In this program, a graduate would be able to produce a good logo or an ad or just a plain illustration but that's not just about it - this program also permits a person to speak what's inside his/her head. As said by one of my lecturers, you don't have to be creative because when you're inside design, it will just come out naturally. You'll work hard for it of course, but the main thing is you tend to think, to explore, to believe and to create something.

It is good, I reckon.

I was scared to go in this program because I don't know how to draw! But my lecturers told me to not worry about it because everything that I need to do is in the computer itself. Okay, that is cool. No drawings!

Even though I've started the course, I'm still excited of the next lessons.

I'll keep everyone update.

Bye!

I'm lazy.

I know, I am! And it's annoying me. Haha!
What has been happening to me?

1.) I'm gonna study a certificate in a college this year. It's part-time. I'm a bit scared but it should be fine, I suppose.

2.) I chose Communications as my degree. It's not final (WHAT IS FINAL TO ME?) but I think it is for me. I just have to take time and do stuff in it and see how I goes.

3.) I'm 18 now! I'm happy. I think it was quite a tradition that people change or think like they're different when they turn 18. I'm not really sure if I'm under a transition or I'm still living like I was 16, 17. I'm happy though about it because I can do stuff I couldn't do when I was younger.

4.) I'm gonna bleach my hair again. The first time I've tried it with a friend days ago, it didn't quite work, although, I liked the outcome. Next week, I'm bleaching it again and apply colour purple.

5.) Magazines attract me so much especially my favourite "Frankie."

I'm really looking forward to meeting new people and doing so much this year.

Bye! :)

Changes: Bring it on, 2013!

It’s the New Year (Like 7 days ago but still…) I’m not going to talk about my resolution or whatever you may call it (I don’t usually follow them anyway). Instead, I am going enumerate the (hopefully) changes that I am planning to do this 2013!

First on the list and the most that I prioritise is.. I’m not going to let anything or anyone ‘cause me mental distress again (University stuff is exempted). But also, I won’t stress myself even more even though the point when I’m fully breaking down comes.

Physical Changes!

Changing the colour of my hair, I think I’ve announced this one to everybody. Other teenagers are like, I’m gonna bleach my hair today ‘cause I feel like it and I am like: this tremendous event needs a 3-month preparation!

Changing style, maybe? Old old me, can’t make it to the trend. I’ll try to mix and match, be myself with what I wear and make it possible to have awesome attire EVERYDAY.

Nails! Update them as soon as one gets broken.

Be more healthy, of course. Being fit and fab is something that everyone wants!

Update this blog more, of course. And finally, keep awesome people and things coming.

12-12-12

(Just assume that I posted this on the 12th of December 2012)
I wrote this on 12-12-12. It was on my desktop and I forgot to put this up here. Bunch of random thoughts.

12.12.12

I just thought, I have to do something different this day (Not put a status or tweet about it though!) Maybe, blog? As all living humans know, this day would be the last that we’d see repetitive dates. I’m glad I’m still alive, I’m glad I witnessed 1.1.1 , 2.2.2 , so on until 12.12.12. (Whilst writing this, I still have no idea what this blog post should be about.)

When I woke up from an afternoon nap, Mum gave me a letter. It’s so fanceeeey. It’s from QUT, what do I expect? It’s from their Engineering department and I was really amazed by it! And now I’m starting about Engineering. Goodness! When am I going to decide?!!!!

Last week was the first birthday of my laptop and 3^rd year of my phone. I would like to thank them for always being there in times of loneliness, pain, anger, etc.

I like this guy. His name starts with R. I shall elaborate this on my next next next post! (But from the day that I wrote this, my feeling slowly became upset).

Coolio, are you?

You’re cool. What does this phrase really mean to me? Mean to us? Personally, I think being ‘cool’ is something extraordinary. Extraordinary in my eye, of course! Maybe helping someone in a good way or figuring out something in a not so easy way. Yep, they’re cool. I just don’t understand why other people think they are one when they actually hurt or step on other’s foot. Let me share you a story. I’m not sure if it’s lame but that event was the one that provoked me to think about this.

The other day, we (me and the fam without dad) went to the Plaza to grocery shop and buy some awesome stuff. My sister bought the Harry Potter collection and I bought some chocolate. Yaay! After buying those, my sister bought the ingredients she needs for her Home Economics practical assessment. I decided to stay outside the grocery shop because I was asked to look after the other things we bought. I sat there alone. Bored. So I stood up! Oh, an ice cream shop 7 steps from where I was sitting. I bought cookies and cream, a happy kid indeed! When I came back to where I was sitting, a family (mother, daughter, son [I’m assuming they are siblings]) came to have a seat. The girl was about 7 years old and the boy was probably 10. He looked condescending so it made me think that he’s the elder one. Before leaving to go inside the grocery shop, the mother told the two to not shout and don’t ever fight. She left. Both of them were holding a plastic bag. The boy took out a pair of ballet flats; the girl reacted and shouted, “Hey! They’re mine! The boy didn’t do anything. Actually he did! He moved closer to where his sister was sitting. I think it was on her arm? He hit her. And using those pair of ballet flats, he hit her in the head. The girl just kept on shouting on him. He said, “Give me my shirt!” (since the girl was holding a plastic bag with his shirt) She gave it in exchange for her shoes. He held the shirt in his hands but didn’t give the shoes. He went back to his seat holding the flats. She kept on screaming. The boy dropped the shoes on the floor and told his sister. “Look! I don’t have it!” Scream. Scream. Scream from her. He picked up the shoes and using that, he just continually hit her. After every hit, I can sense, he’s trying to look at me so proud as if saying, “Hey, look at me. I’m suuuuuuuuh cool hitting her.” Everytime he tries to appear in my eyes, I deflect my view. NO. YOU ARE NOT COOL. What makes you think that you are some BADASS being so awesome violating your sister’s right to just be silent on the side? Seeing that, I started to question the mother – how did you raise these children? I probably asked the wrong question. How did the society, the people around them define what’s to be proud or not? Disrespectful much? PLEASE. NO.

I’m lucky (like what I always say). Even though I have a brother who’s nearly like that, he’s still a good man. Even though I have this huge gap between me and my parents, I know that I was raised really well and taught how to act privately and publicly. I know I’m that “Hey, I’m cool” person but not in a way that that boy has shown. And even though I know that I am a little bit annoying (I feel it myself!) I know, somehow, I’m cool in my own way.

I love my cool friends – they always there for me, I know that even I annoy them, I still find myself being in that position where I am advised by them and majority of them are God-fearing people. I love my cool sister. She does the same – being with me through ups and downs, taking a photo with our seedy/wacky/whatever face and letting me know that I’m loved.

Thinking History - University Dilemma

I wish I was good at everything. That's absolutely impossible, not just for me but for everyone else (but some people just excel on everything, I don't get that but there's a few). I wish I was like that so I could major to whatever I want. Yes. University dilemmas - why? :(

I think this blog post will contain pretty much what I've decided to do and my thinking history about everything in University. I have been accepted to my 2nd choice university. Yaaaap, SECOND. :( Then I'm gonna wait and see how my application to the university I've been dreaming of go.

I chose the double degree as my first preference. I'm pretty happy with it, however, WHAT TO MAJOR? Even though I wish to be a journalist, I don't think I have the capacity and patience to write, write and write. I'm bad at that. You can ask my English teacher, I am always in that 'just passed' mark. Why? Oh, why? I can take Mass Communication but the thing is, it's fixed mixed with Journalism. Knowing that, I took the alternative. Not actually an alternative but it appears to be one. FILM. Hey, it's still Media! Howevssss, I still think that I'm going to gain more success in Journ and MassComm. because it's such a diverse course.

If I don't get in to my first choice, then just take whatever that's already there - Nursing/Behavioural Science. Then maybe, explore for quite a bit? If I don't like it, why not move? It can't hurt and besides, why won't I risk one or two years if I know that this journey is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life?
I need to pray.

Starting to Think

I'm starting to think about different stuff that let's say, suits me.
Here are the two that I'm kinda engaged into at the moment.

I'm starting to think about putting some summer-y jewel-ish coloured nail polish.

This colour is my favourite. ♡

I'm also starting to think that braids fit me.

A simple plat my friend did.

The "Katniss Everdeen Braid." Love this braid. I wish though my hair has a different colour for this braid to be visibly seen.

And this braid which I did myself *proud one here!* is the fish braid. Likewise, I wish my hair has a different shade.

I have a verrrr long hair and this is the only time that I made something out of it. Since it's the holidays, I started to try something new -- I google most of the time some cute hairstyle, simple buns, even the hard ones. I just hope things can work for me. SUMMER! =)))

Holidays and Goals

It’s the holidays!

I don’t think holidays need to be memorable but things that happened to me during the past holidays seem to be something I could not forget.

I had my very first panic attack. It was during my Year 11 summer holidays. I was a lazy bum and that probably happened to be the reason why I had it. I was just on my bed the whole time watching TV series. The second week (as far as I remember), I got a massive headache. I think I took 3 Panadols that day ’cause that headache won’t leave me alone. Then I felt like my legs are not okay, I couldn’t even walk! My muscles are like lousy and *adjective like that*. The night when I had it, I felt like I’m gonna die, like I don’t wanna sleep because I won’t live another life tomorrow. It sucked.  That was my story. And after that event, I decided to be healthy *OWWWWWW*. I usually walk nowadays and eat a balanced diet.

And for this holidays, I just thought, I need to accomplish stuff (ugh, like what I always plan (eg. Finish my Physics ERT *jokes, it didn’t happen, I crammed*)) But since I’m near finishing school and I’m not that busy to not accomplish anything, I should set a plan for these weeks.

1. Be healthy. Be healthy. Be healthy.

I know people think that I’m skinny. I’m quite am, but hey, I have fat legs and big stomach. Sucks, I know. I bloat A LOT. So maybe, losing 5 kgs. is an okay plan.

2. Decide. Decide. Decide.

I’m still not decided of what I want to do in the future or let’s say for the rest of my life — my university course. I have some preference that I think, I’m 90% into it but that is still not definite. Pros, cons, whatevs, I have to figure it out.

3. Books. Books. Books.

As I’ve been usually saying, I’m engaging myself to books now. So in this holiday, my target is to read at least 3 books. Yaay! Sounds fun fun fun.

4. Photographs and all.

My life, photographs, I need them!

5. Blog. Blog. Blog.

I need someone, something if you like to share my thoughts with. I know people are going to judge but whatevs! Libertyyyyyyy!

2-Day Mixed Proc and Prod

Exams to come next week! Goodness, I'm still not sure if my review was enough to pass my first one tomorrow. Joookes, it seems like I'm just procrastinating the whole time. Hehe. So whilst I was procrastinating this afternoon, I took photos (This is mixed with vanity, too). I'm planning to put this up on my new blog and this should be my first post. Here are some of the photos I've taken. Hehe.

Forgive to fugly photographs.

Okay, I'm just gonna leave it there. No explicit fugly face for this post.

And crap, why am I feeling this chest pain since? Ohmy. :(

Before Anything Else

Feeling ko talaga hindi ako makakapag-aral ng mabuti hangga't hindi ko nailalabas 'to eh.

Naiinis ako sobra at dahil sa sobrang inis ko, naiiyak na lang ako. Bakit kaya 'pag ako, iba 'yung trato? 'Pag sa iba, mabuti namang tao. Ganito ba talaga ako? Anong meron? Pinipilit ko naman lahat para maging mabuting anak eh, bakit ba lagi akong nagaganito? Ako 'yung laging mali, ako tanga, ako suwail, ako gago, ako na lahat. Ni wala ngang nakitang maganda sa'kin kahit okay naman ako sa Acads, marami naman akong naachieve kahit sila 'yung laging dahilan kung bakit hindi 'yun natutuloy. Ano kayang mangyayari sa buhay ko na? Minsan parang gusto ko na lang na mawala dito sa mundo pero masama 'yun, alam ko. Sana lang maisip nila 'yung halaga ko, na kahit ganito naman nakakaramdam din ako. Paulit ulit ko namang sinasabi na masakit sa'kin kapag lagi niyang pinapamukha sa'kin na wala siyang pakialam sa'kin ah. Sobrang sakit. At sa tuwing laging may sinasabi sa'kin na hindi maganda na kahit pa sabihin mong pabiro lang, ang sakit sakit. Bakit hindi niya maisip 'yun? :(

Aspire!

It has been a long day. Well, it's actually not but it seems to be. I was just taking a break from doing my school stuff. And I'm pretty sure, it will be a pretty long night. It always is, by the way and to be honest.

I was walking with two of my friends a while ago and we were just talking about our future, our dreams, what do we want for our kids (though I don't want to be married for now neither on the future but we'll see) and just mainly about the future. One said, he doesn't want himself to just be something. And he doesn't want his kids to just be someone who took apprenticeship or something below that. No one wants to. I was just wondering, why do people settle for something for an "Yeah, I'll be alright with working full time on the department store." NO. Is it laziness? Is it because they don't believe themseleves? Or is that because striving hard is just too hard? I don't know but all I know is that, I'm challenged. I'm challenged, I'm having a hard time but I'm striving hard, very hard not to mention. Why? Not only for the reason that I want to be a professional or I want to be known as "The Tine" but because I want to prove to myself that I conquered the whole bloody 4 or maybe 5 years OH NO, 16 years in total and it's all paying. I'M STRONG. I WILL BE.

Not enough

Another rant. I have loads of schoolwork and other things to stress about. Saying that, I just thought: you don't wanna work hard, might as well do a course with a simple requirement. Yes, I'm seeing myself even further. that I don't really need a job that I will only fail because of my laziness. It's annoying. My actions annoy me but what can I do? I tried to change, many times and still, I'm stuck on this.

Drift

I hate the cliché quote that people just come and go in your life. I don't think they just come and go. I think they come and choose whether they will stay or go. I can't be sure with any of what I just said. Quite ironic, isn't it? But I guess if I leave a person's life, I leave it for a reason.

Damn, whilst writing this post, I just realised, many people apparently left me. They did! And for what reason? I don't know. Maybe they got sick of me, they got bored, they never wanted me, they used me, who knows? But I still feel no regrets for having them. They have become one of the best bits of my life. But if ever we become close again, I'll just let myself go with the flow but never treat them as if we were still that old close friends. Actually, that's one of my diseases. I couldn't let go of a friendship easily. But I think I'm healing now. I am now good at neglecting people who walked pass my life.

I'd like to thank though those who left me. You guys made me realise the real friendship and how it has to have the actual worth. Thank you for letting me learn! I will miss you all.

Day 8 - Your Favourite Internet Friend

For me, she's not just an internet friend, she's not just a friend either. She's a person who I can turn into -- ups, downs, in whatever spot of my roller coaster life. Hello, Owrie! It has been 3 years and I never had that reticent moment with you. We share secrets and nothing else in the world can deny that you are one of my best friggin', hot, smokin' friend.

I will always be here, Beb. Thanks for the friendship and everything. I miss you! :*

Love,
Beb.

Day 7 - Your ex-boyfriend, love, crush

I totally forgot that I entered this challenge! But this is a good comeback. :)
Ex-lover? I can't really tell if he's an ex. I can't make it sure to myself that I don't feel anything for him and neither can I confirm that I have moved from it. Just to be sure for this post though, I think what I'm feeling is nothing. Well, not nothing at all. I feel plain and fine. I'm not into that stuff but in case something gets back, then maybe I'll feel it again (or he will). But yea, I'm going to write about that person. I'll call him Kay.

Hi, Kay! I miss you and I miss you a lot. I blogged about you last time, have you seen it? Yea, you haven't but that's okay. But for the record, not a single neither a thousand even a million blog posts can express how much I am deeply under your spell and not even a single word can explain how much grief I feel for myself, for not giving us a chance. It was a mistake I would never ever ever forget and will always regret. I love you seems to be a cliché but I don't care, I love you.
Damn, have I been showing superb drama here?

I wish some time, maybe if we were really meant together, you will and fate will find our way. I don't wanna talk about the "if not"bit. I don't know how to approach you, I don't know how to talk to you anymore. But if it's really not for us, I'll be happy for you. I miss you. I miss the before. I miss us. I'll miss you. Let destiny hold this for us. BUT I'LL PRAY.

'Til here, AAA. ☺

Weekend General Update

When did I last blog? I can't remember but the past few days had been a roller coaster ride (inspired by the roller coaster I didn't have the guts to ride on @ Seaworld)

So Thursday? I thought the day would just flow fine. But that's just what I thought. A fight happened and I did nothing but walk on our backyard and just do my schoolworks (actually, procrastinate). I checked out blogs, posted photographs, etc. I have no idea how to solve that problem so I remained just like the usual.

Friday, I woke up at 6. IT'S OUR SEAWORLD TRIP! I know I something yet unsolved was there for me, the problem that occurred the day before that but I told myself to just have fun on the day. I couldn't do anything. The whole day, I was with my friends. As I went home, it feels quiet but everyone treated me fine. I went into my room, just checked my twitter and Facebook account then slept at 7:30 PM. I was quite tired that day and the next day of that, I have somewhere to go.

Saturday, I opened my eyes at 7 AM but got up by 8. My father, brother and sister were watching the opening of London Olympics as I woke up. I missed the one for Australia but I didn't miss the one from Philippines. :) It was good. 8-9, I sorted myself out. From 9, I started to walk from our house to the mall where we were suppose to meet. We ate to where we usually eat and as usual, it was soooo good (except for their sauce, it changed!!!) We had fun, basically! As I went home, there the wrong thing goes. Something I can't explain through this post. I wish though as I am writing this, everything is fine. :(

But I don't think those worries should be a hindrance of my heavy school load. I am not really busy, I am just too lazy to update and accomplish everything.

And myself ~

I really like talking about myself. It's like I can answer a hundred of About Me section on a site.

Hi! Physically? I'm small. I have short but muscle-y legs. I don't consider myself fat but my weight is not entirely proportional with my height (and sometimes, I hate that). But what can I do? Nothing but enjoy it! Sometimes, I really feel inferior that I'm small but usually I just make the most advantage out of it.

Green is my favourite colour and coming next to it is red. And I have many favourite movies. I like Jane Austen, John Green and Neil Gaiman books. I love photography (I'm an aspiring photographer, actually) and I like reading books, too. I like Indie music and sometimes, Hip-hop stuff.

I always appear to be busy, I don't know why. I'm nocturnal and that explains my midnight tweets and other acts. I like clingy people. I think people who think that you are special within their lives are amazing. I like being treated as a close or a best friend but I treat one as my my my best friend.
I'm quite scared of being badly judged. I don't know what has been my orthodox regarding judgments. But usually, I accept them. I'm a pessimist. I always think that I'm gonna fail or I'm gonna drop my grades or our scientific experiment won't work out. High expectations may lead to failure could be one of my excuse why I'm a negative thinker.

I think pictures and letters are priceless. I hate losing. I'm a warrior in the making.

I don't wanna lose it

I hate how much I respect people who can't just let me go and respect me back.
I was pretty pissed right now and I couldn't be any relieved so I had to blog about this.

The event that made pissed me off is too shallow. No, the other person involved who I respect the most is too shallow that I can't take how much miserable I am feeling right now. I wonder how she feels when she speaks very dismissive about me. And with that, I'm telling that this hasn't happened just now, it happened so many times before.

And the fact that that person is part of my family? It just breaks me.